I'm in the Middle of a Breakdown

We had to take our clothes off, to have a good time.

2006-10-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

Gah! me and not remembering to update this thing. I'm sorry peoples. I've been hella busy. That and me and myspace have been becoming close. lol. Oh, and sydney's a queer.
yup yup . =]
this is the end of my update.
when i have something good to put here i'll put it.

If your love grows.
Let me know.
We are here.
We are young.

Like the waters meet the seas.
Slow it down.
Listen to the sounds of the winds.
Blowing in the trees.

Love doesn't last that long.
Forever is up tomorrow.
Give me your hand.
And we'll make up an eternity.
And forever that's where we'll be.
We'll live it up whlie we can.
Young, wild, and free.

2006-09-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry, that I haven't been updating this. It's been hella busy lately. Between trying to get back into public school and sleeping I really haven't had time to blog. That and I've become more active with myspace. I'm waiting for a letter from the coroner right now, to tell me if I can go back to school yet or not. Because I had to interview the coroner for my school. I totally quit smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. yay me! oh chea, totally cool. :] Butt, yeah. I'll try and update more often now. Sorry, It's been hella busy lately.

2006-08-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

YOU ALL SUCK.
:::::;;;;;;;;
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BUTT. =]

Hahaha BEER!!

2006-08-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

She's crazy cool. =]

2006-08-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

Add Lacey/Catherine to myspace. =]

and if you add her. you can add meh too. at right here.

Gunning Down Romance

2006-08-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

and it feels like xmas of last year. =] <3
what i wouldnt give to live this again.
God I love my girlfriend
well all sorry it's been a while since i updated this.
i've been getting a job.
helping my mother around the house
since she found out she's dying from cancer.
and then working on my publications.
gets frustrating but i'm doing it.
well i'll talk to you all later. =]

kbye?

Sierra. <33

2006-07-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

2006-07-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

my new banner for myspace. =] I made it. don't you just heart it all to pieces????

2006-07-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

Get your own countdown at BlingyBlob.com

Draw me a piccy. =]]

2006-06-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Would Anyone Be Able to Help Me With This. (it's my last assignment for this class and I completely don't get it.)

2006-06-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

1. Leaving home, Mr.L walks 4 miles, West, past the hospital, to his office in 45 minutes. But, feeling short of breath, he walks back East 1 mile in 15 minutes to the hospital for a checkup.
a. What distance did he walk?
b. What was his displacement from home when he arrived at the hospital?
c. What was his average speed for the whole trip?
d. What was his average velocity for the whole trip?

2. Sometimes the numerical part of an acceleration is given as a negative number. How is a negative acceleration different from a positive acceleration?

3. In which of the following cases is the object accelerating? Be sure to tell why you say it is accelerating.
a. A motorcycle speeds up from rest.
b. A car slows to a stop for a red light.
c. A boat cruises in a straight line at 30 knots.
d. The boat, still traveling at 30 knots, turns around and heads back.

4. A descendant of Galileo drops a bowling ball, a baseball, and a crow's wing feather from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Tell which of the three objects hit first, second and third. Explain your answer.

5. A car is traveling along at 50 mph, according to its speedometer. Thelma is driving and Louise is in the passenger's seat.
a. What is Louise's speed from Thelma's point of view (frame of reference)?
b. Wayne is standing at the curb as the car passes him. What is Louise's speed from Wayne's frame of reference?
c. A police helicopter is hovering directly over the car as it moves along. What is Louise's speed from the pilot's frame of reference?

And now I know who you are...

2006-06-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

I watch all hope fly away.
Not yesterday.
No, today.
The day the world falls.
Crashes all around.
Sun falls to the ground.
No more sunrise.
Just sunset.
All the feelings.
We'll forget.
Just keep trying.
Even though.
We're dying.

Been depressed a lot lately. So, when you leave comments, don't be a smartass. Thank you. Have a nice day. Would that be paper or plastic ma'am? Do you want me to hold the bag while you put it over your head; or do you have it?

I've been around this world; and I see no end.

2006-06-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend was great. A lot of smiling. Happiness. There was crying, but it was all consumed in weirdness afterwards. Which was laughable. Now as for today. My best-friend left, around 10a.m. I was told when I got up to call her. So, of course, when I got up; I called. Her cousin hung up on me. Nice, right? Of course. They don't like me anyways. Well, she called me back. She was crying. Told me about some stuff and I knew then I'd probably not see her for a while. I was so afraid she'd do something stupid. Scared. Worried. All of it. Torn, for the most part. I have the most best friend anyone could ever ask for. She's there to talk about anything. From yellow-spotted, purple monkeys, to serious issues. She'll always listen. Laugh. Cry. Talk. All of it. She begged me to get my parents to go up and get her today. I told her we couldn't do that. She was underage and my parents could get arrested for taking her. Knowing her grandma, she would have turned us in. 'Cause that's just the way her Grandma is. Well, I had to leave. Today is my grandma's birthday. So, I had to venture into town. Well, I was worried about my best-friend. So afraid that she might do something stupid, and I'd lose her. The whole way there, songs kept playing that reminded me of her. From the ones that we sang to in my bedroom, to the ones that played while driving in the car. I was scared. I did nothing but think about her and things she could do while I wasn't home. I wanted to stay and just talk to her on the phone and make sure she was alright. I couldn't though, I had already missed to major holidays at my grandma's. So, unfortunately, I had to go. When I got home I recieved a message on Livejournal, saying "I'm gonna miss you (a broken heart sign)." Automatically, I was even more worried, then I already was. Now, it's going to be a long time before I get to talk to her again. I hate not talking to her. She makes me happy when I'm sad. Makes me care when I don't feel like I could. Gives me someone to talk to and a reason to live. What more could you ask for from a best-friend? I don't think there's anything more possible. She's the only friend I've had that actually, likes being my friend. Likes being around me. Likes talking to me. For the first time in my life, I have someone there. Someone to hold onto when I'm sad. Now, that safety, that closuer, the way i felt yesterday, is gone. I can't talk to her. It's bad enough that when I got home I tried calling first, and her grandma picked up the phone and just pressed "end" and hung up on me. I hate being hung up on as it is. That just pissed me off. That and I don't really care much for her grandma, as likewise with that. She doesn't like me either. Works wonders. Now, I'm alone. I can't wait to hear from Shandi (best-friend), tonight. I just hope she didn't do anything stupid. =[

)-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-(

Late night...

2006-06-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I updated this thing. Not like anyone ever, actually reads it. Not that I even give a shit if they do or not. Could care less. Well, I've been up all night. Can't sleep and No, I don't know why. Just one of those nights I guess you could say. Been up writing poetry all night. Here's one that I wrote earlier tonight.

She's getting weak. She can barely speak. Starved. Victom of her own thoughts. All those lies she led herself to believe. It's hard to see why she's still with me. She says she's not perfect. When she's everything in my eyes. From the out to the inside. She has it all. The walk, the stare. They way she talks, like she don't care.
Running thoughts, that never did stop. Weakening. She can't even speak to me. Eyes are faded. Sat there and I waited. I wanted a, "she's okay." Instead they say, "there's nothing we could do, she's gone." I've never felt more alone. Down on my knees begging the world, please. One more year, one more day, one more hour. Just one chance to say I love her. Kiss her goodbye with a kiss on the lips.
Couldn't move. Hardely breathing. Hoping I was dreaming. This can't be reality. She hasn't left. She was never weak. I begged and I plead. I screamed, until there was no air left to breathe. My heart fell from my chest, laying her to rest. My smiles broke. My hands cracked.
Cold, shivering, laying by her side. Promised I'd stay with her the rest of my life. Rain, Sun, snow. I'm sure she knows. Later that year, I was layed down. Next to my love, where I'd stayed til no more breath was left. Kept my promise, and I was layed to rest.

I know it isn't the best poem. But it's a start, you know? Got bored I guess you could say. And Shandi, it's not about anybody. So there, you won't even have to ask.

the latest drawing...ugh lame

2006-06-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

Like a Rose that Grew from Concret.

2006-06-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

She's like a rose, that grew from concret.
So beautiful, so discreat.
Damaged pedals.
With love, she'll reach the sun.
She needs you there for.
When her heart beats no more.
When she feels alone.
She tells herself to be cold inside.
And wipe away the tears from her eyes.
Alone she sits there, and cries.
No one even bothers to ask why.
He heart it's torn.
She finds it hard to carry on.
She stops to see what makes her cry.
It's painful, so sad sometimes.
She crys wandering alone in the night.
Trying to find all her dreams before death.
Trying to keep her soul from.
Growing weary, growing old.
Dedicated to her heart.
The feak that lives there, in the dark.
That set us so far apart.

Signed,
]]v[[urderer!♥

Mountain Dew is Good.

2006-06-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

I like shiney things =|
(~o~)---(~o~) Wheels on the bus go round n round =]
And runs over all the little school kids.
=O Nooooo!!!! Poor kids.
[[ insert evil laugh here ]]
^_^ I'm up on a mountain dew frenzie. ^_^
(\_(\ *dancey dances* /)_/)
I saw my reflection...and cried. ='( Scaring looking
Bunch of X-tians been rioting on my page.
They want me to cross over =S
But I won't =P
(\__/) =] (=---Devil horns. ----
He will haunt you in your sleep.
Beware he is out to get all you X-tian bastards.
The bible is cursed. That's why they speak TONGUES!!
Or do they eat them? I can't remember. =]|]
Worlds a fked place. ya know??? =-
They Killed kenny! Those BASTARDS!!!!!
Okay I'm done.
I'm going to |---=|. Night all. (-.-)zZz

Signed,
]]v[[urderer!

p.s. Stalk me, please and thank y

2006-06-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

This is at the special 0lympics in my home town.

Believe it or not, he's not special ed. =\

this is...

2006-06-09T00:48:00.000-07:00

when its now or never
When bad gets better
when the lights go out
when my hands are shaking
when the rules are breaking
when the music plays too loud
where it all makes since
the ink starts flowing
my hands belong to you

Notice me...

2006-06-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

[x] for once notice me smiling [x]
[x] notice me checking you out when you walk [x]
[x] nocite me looking at you while you talk [x]
[x] notice that my smile is gone [x]
[x] that these tears have shown [x]
[x] notice me for once [x]
[x] show me that you care [x]
[x] notice me as i stare [x]
[x] notice that i've changed [x]
[x] i knew it took a while [x]
[x] but just notice that its there [x]
[x] show me hope when its all lost [x]
[x] notice everything i got [x]
[x] notice me for once [x]
[x] notice me smiling [x]
[x] right before im dying [x]
[x] notice me staring at you [x]
[x] notice me telling you that i love you [x]
[x] I'm not asking too much [x]
[x] just notice me [x]
[x] for once [x]

The Nine Satanic Sins

2006-06-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

For years, people have asked Church of Satan representatives, "Well, okay - your philosophy is based on indulgence of human instincts but do you have sins like any other religion?" Our answer has always been "No". But the time has come to amend that response. We have grown steadily over the past 21 years and find that it is appropriate to have some clear guidelines on, not only what we strive for,but also what we work to avoid - what we disapprove of. The difference is where other religions develop sins that people can't avoid, we consider a number of things "sinful" that people could avoid if they worked a little.

Stupidity
The top of the list for Satanic Sins. The Cardinal Sin of Satanism. It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful. Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told. The media promotes a cultivated stupidity as a posture that is not only acceptable but laudable. Satanists must learn to see through the tricks and cannot afford to be stupid.

Pretentiousness
Empty posturing can be most irritating and isn't applying the cardinal rules of Lesser Magic. On equal footing with stupidity for what keeps the money in circulation these days. Everyone's made to feel like a big shot, whether they can come up with the goods or not.

Solipsism
Can be very dangerous for Satanists. Projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto someone who is probably far less attuned than you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won't. Instead, Satanists must strive to apply the dictum of "Do unto others as they do unto you." It's work for most of us and requires constant vigilance lest you slip into a comfortable illusion of everyone being like you. As has been said, certain utopias would be ideal in a nation of philosophers, but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, from a Machiavellian standpoint) we are far from that point.

Self-deceit
It's in the Nine Satanic Statements but deserves to be repeated here. Another cardinal sin. We must not pay homage to any of the sacred cows presented to us, including the roles we are expected to play ourselves. The only time self-deceit should be entered into is when it's fun, and with awareness. But then, it's not self-deceit!

Herd Conformity
That's obvious from a Satanic stance. It's all right to conform to a person's wishes, if it ultimately benefits you. But only fools follow along with the herd, letting an impersonal entity dictate to you. The key is to choose a master wisely instead of being enslaved by the whims of the many.

Lack of Perspective
Again, this one can lead to a lot of pain for a Satanist. You must never lose sight of who and what you are, and what a threat you can be, by your very existence. We are making history right now, every day. Always keep the wider historical and social picture in mind. That is an important key to both Lesser and Greater Magic. See the patterns and fit things together as you want the pieces to fall into place. Do not be swayed by herd constraints -- know that you are working on another level entirely from the rest of the world.

Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies
Be aware that this is one of the keys to brainwashing people into accepting something "new" and "different," when in reality it's something that was once widely accepted but is now presented in a new package. We are expected to rave about the genius of the "creator" and forget the original. This makes for a disposable society.

Counterproductive Pride
That first word is important. Pride is great up to the point you begin to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The rule of Satanism is: if it works for you, great. When it stops working for you, when you've painted yourself into a corner and the only way out is to say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I wish we could compromise somehow," then do it.

Lack of Aesthetics
This is the physical application of the Balance Factor. Aesthetics is important in Lesser Magic and should be cultivated. It is obvious that no one can collect any money off classical standards of beauty and form most of the time so they are discouraged in a consumer society, but "an eye" for for beauty, for balance, is an essential Satanic tool and must be applied for greatest magical effectiveness. It's not what's supposed to be pleasing -- it's what is. Aesthetics is a personal thing, reflective of one's own nature, but there are universally pleasing and harmonious configurations that should not be denied.

o6/o6/o6

2006-06-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

Suffering: Everyone suffers from these thing
Birth- When we are born, we cry.
Sickness- When we are sick, we are miserable.
Old age- When old, we will have ache and pains and find it hard to get around.
Death- None of us wants to die. We feel deep sorrow when someone dies.

Other things we suffer from are:
Being with those we dislike,
Being apart from those we love,
Not getting what we want,
All kinds of problems and disappointments that are unavoidable.

Today's lesson from Budha. =] I fuckin' heart that religion. Never changing the one I have though. And that's no religion.

You’ve seen us on the streets. I rode the bike right next to you in the gym today. I’m that guy you cut in front of in traffic. I held the door open for your wife and kids going into the market too.

Who are we? We’re Satanists.

Black cloaks and pentacles, that’s us too. Hollywood fears us and right wing fundamentalists hate us. Legend has us murdering and having sadistic and depraved ceremonies all in the name of Satan. When you speak the word Satanist, do you believe these sources? Fear and hate us if you will, but read the truth.

Hollywood will titillate. Christian Fundies will tell shocking and vicious lies.

Pssst… Here is the funny part… We even believe in Satan!

06/06/06

2006-06-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 666 DAY!!!!

Best fuckin' day ever!!! WooHoo. For those who doubt GET THE FUCK OUT!!! fuckin' losers.

SATAN ROCKS

WooHoo From First To Last

2006-06-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

From First to Last's Official Site. =]

Mest

2006-06-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Mest's Myspace

I fucking heart this band. Fucking listen to them, retards.

I can't go on, if your gone.

2006-06-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

I used to make you laugh,
I used to make you smile.
But that's not anymore.
It's nothing like before.
All the while you were there for me.
All the other times I was no where to be.
I was no where near.
My name I couldn't hear you scream.
This was all but a dream.
I let you slip,
I let you drift away.
That wasn't tomorrow that was today.
So hard to help you,
now that your gone.
I should have never,
left you alone.
76 I just thought was a number.
I never knew your pain was getting number.
I'm sorry I was never there.
It's kind of like you disappear.
I cry, every night,
wishing I would die.
I never wanted to see you like this.
I never got to give you that final kiss.
My last tear I cried.
My last tear right before I died.
I can't live in this world without you.
I can't live here being so blue.
Without you in my life.
There's nothing to be here for.
Not like I was ever around before.
I should have ran,
I should have walked.
Instead all I did was talk.
Now your gone.
All this time I was spending my life alone.
I never knew what I had.
Now that your gone,
I'm oh so sad.
You just got thinner and thinner,
until you couldn't get any thinner.
I should have stuck around.
I shouldn't have left those times you were down.
I used to make you laugh,
I used to make you smile.
I left you alone all the while.
Should have been around.
Should have picked you up while you was down.
Now that your not here.
There's no reason for me to be.
So here I go.
My final knowledge.
My final no.
I'm taking my life.
Just wish me a good-bye.

As for the poem, long time since I wrote a long one. Thought I'd post it because of that. This weekend Shandi is staying. And Megan. Probably Jaden, too. Not sure yet, if he's staying. Hopefully, this weekend is good. If not....GRRRRR!!!!! I'm actually surprised my parents are allowing this. I had to re-arrange, the living room, but it was worth it. So, I'm blogging from a different location at my house. lol. I should be asleep. I have to get up at 9am. Actually 8am. Grrrr...I don't want to sleep. I hate sleeping. lol. I have to wait 'til August 23rd to turn in any of my homework now. Didn't get it all done. Damn me. I don't know what else to say. Thanks Babs. For the advice. =]

It was just a story, this isn't really life.

2006-06-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

Things about me:
[+] I can't be who I want to be.
[+] I'm afraid of hurting people.
[+] I can't stand being alone, and I'm always alone.
[+] I do everything, but it's still not enough.
[+] I'm worthless.
[+] I'm a disappointment.
[+] Afraid of dying, but always wanting to.
[+] Always wears a watch on my right wrist.
[+] Covers up the scars on my left wrist with black gelly braclets.
[+] I think, I don't care, enough.
[+] My Dad thinks, all I think about is sex.
[+] I'm a virgin.
[+] The time I did have sex, doesn't count.
[+] I've always wanted to take a hammer to my head.
[+] I've wanted to cut so deep that I see my own bones.
[+] I hate myself.
[+] I like to say, I'm sorry, even if there's no reason to be.
[+] I smoke a pack a day, nearly everyday.
[+] I find myself boring.
[+] I don't like eating, but I eat all the time.
[+] I keep my hair short because that's how I like it.
[+] I don't like June 22nd. It's my birthday.
[+] I hate being awake during the day.
[+] I don't like sleeping at night.
[+] I know how to speak some Spanish, German, French, and Latin.
[+] I don't care for foriegn people.
[+] I like stand-up comic.
[+] I like cartoons, more than movies.
[+] I try to always be nice. Doesnt't work, but I try.
[+] My little brother died.

Things I hate about myself:
[+] The fact my parents hate who I am. [+]
[+] My heart. [+]
[+] My thinking. [+]
[+] All the scars I ever put on myself. [+]
[+] The way my leg shakes when theres silence. [+]
[+] The way there's always music playing in my head. [+]
[+] That I hate everyone, before I get to know them. [+]
[+] I'm never jealous. [+]
[+] I take things out on the people that mean the most to me. [+]
[+] I used to take pills. [+]
[+] I'm a failure. [+]
[+] I'm a disappointment. [+]
[+] I've lost all self control. [+]
[+] I still haven't stopped cutting, though I've told others, I have. [+]
[+] I can't go one day without thinking about killing myself. [+]
[+] I always miss you, terribly. [+]
[+] The way I feel. [+]
[+] I have no life. [+]
[+] Myself. [+]
[+] The way I walk. [+]
[+] The way my hair falls to the right side of my face. [+]
[+] I'm always online, not doing my homework. [+]
[+] I want to finish school, but then again I don't. [+]
[+] I'm not allowed to be who I want to be. +]
[+] Telling someone good-bye. [+]
[+] Waking up. [+]
[+] Falling farther then I've already fallen. [+]
[+] I listen to rap, occasionally. [+]
[+] I hate being mean. [+]
[+] I don't see what others see in me. [+]
[+] My poetry. [+]
[+] etc...[+]

"How do you get that lonely,"-Blaine Larsen.

2006-05-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor

There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...

Vienna-Billy Joel.

2006-05-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

Slow down
You crazy child
Your so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid
Where’s the fire? What’s the hurry about?
You better cool it off, before you burn it out
You got so much to do, but only so many hours in a day
But you know that when the truth is told,
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
Your gonna kick off before you even get half way through
When will you realize, Vennia waits for you

Slow down
Your doin fine
You can’t be everything you wanna be before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight
To bad that is the life you lead
You’re so ahead of your self that you forget what you need
Though you can see when your wrong, you can’t always see when your right
You got your passion, you got your pride
But don’t you know that only fools are satisfied
Dream on! But don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize, Vennia waits for you

Slow down
You crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It’s alright. You can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, Vennia waits for you.
That u can get what you want or you can just get old
Your gonna kick off before you even get half way through
When will you realize, Vennia waits for you
Why don’t you realize, Vennia waits for you
When will you realize, Vennia waits for you

The lyrics to the song I recommended on 360 to Shandi.

Wanted!!!

2006-05-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

So, in six days it's Emo Girl's birthday. That means, one dozen strippers, five dozen rubber duckies, a tub full of rubber guns, some new razor blades, a new hair piece that covers the other eye, and a brandon to fuck. So late last night she was caught shopping at wal-mart. Sneaking behind the bra section she was caught giving a towel rack a blow job. Surprisingly enough, the guards came, literally. They rushed over to find her laying on the floor with about a half gallon of white paint all over her face, or so they thought. She started running toward the door, cigarette in hand, and hopped in her car. She still is at large at this time. If you see her anywhere please contact your local autorities. She could be carrying a gang of rubber duckies. She's highly dangerous and should be handle with caution.

Photo Studio

2006-05-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

A little morning fun with the photo shop was fun. Looks like we got some weird people in this world, aye? ha. ha.

2006-05-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

okay well after having hot mind blowing sex with jason/jimmy last night..i had to try and get him to go to his own bed....

hard work when he still wanted to dance...i gave him his binky and he seemed to settle down...still not sure if he ever made it to bed...seeing as i kicked him there.

These hands were meant to hold.

2006-05-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today, hmm today. Well, my mom's sick. Like always. No surprise there. Really, no, I'm not shocked. Hold thee applause. On to other news:

Butch was caught shop lifting at the local Krogers late last night. While riding along in his roto-scooter, he managed to get four adult magazines and a case of beer to fit down his well-fitted trousers. After taking his shirt of and exposing very graphic dances, he was arrested and thrown in the back of a police car. Where he is still awaiting to find out the time he gets for all this.

Hamburger was spotted switching from McDonalds to Burger King. He heard they offered more spit there. So, as a token of all his hard work, he transferred. They are now serving homosexual hamburgers at Burger King, for all who are interested.

Larson was recently released from jail, on a $200 bond. His wife posted bail. He should be at home eating home-made bread by now, and sipping tea. He was caught about three days ago giving little kids candy. In order to get them to take a "ride" on his pony. Although, he had not been caught in the action, they still are proceeding him.

Shandi has been signed onto modeling at the local hoes r' us committee. Were she was undercover as a model. She works for the CIA, or should I say, did. She was taken for leave after a series of getting the pronouciation of ten wrong. They couldn't give her checks because she couldn't unlock the vaults because of her tendacys of not being able to say the word ten, correct.

Bunny's cat was found naked in my bed this morning. No fur. No nothing. Bare as the day is. After a long night of mind blowing orgasms, the cat was exhausted. When she came to recieve the cat in the morning, it was tired. It couldn't walk, and I doubt it will for a few weeks. After last night, I don't think it will ever be the same. =]

Hmmm..Bad Butch? or Good Butch?

2006-05-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

-walks to the corner of the street-

Hoe: it'll be $500.
Me: well I've got a $5 what will you do for that?
Hoe: Well it depends on what you want.
Me: Ice cream cone?
Hoe: **puzzled**
Me: So...
Hoe: **walks away**

-Exits hoe.

Me: I thought they liked cream. **confused**

-Enters Old Lady (a.k.a. Butch's Mom)

Me: what will $5 get me?
Old Lady: Well, my son likes to do things for $5.
Me: does he have anything with cream?
Old Lady: Well, he does have something with cream but it isn't that big. Definetly not worth your $5.
Me: Well...Where is he?
Old Lady: the blue oyster
Me: Okay talk another time

**Walks away**

-Enters the blue oyster-

O.o...........o.O

Me: uhhhhhh **confused**
Butch: what are you doing in here?
Me: looking for you =Butch: what the fuck do you want kid?
Me: **hands him my $5**
Butch: **gets on his knees**

.....**plays scary music**.....

Me: Thanks.
Butch: no problem

-Exits stage right.....

Hmmm What did Butch do??????

Time To Get High

2006-05-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Just let me go. Somewhere, one place, on my own. Let my face shine. Let my heart be mine. You say you love me, then leave me. You won't let me be. I try my hardest not to disappear, but it's so hard when you're always here. Why am I so afraid. What would I possibly be able to lose today? I've got so many ours and a day. I spend them the same. Every time I think of you. My heart falls through my chest. You've torn me apart, you've done your best. Just let me hit the floor, don't love me anymore. I can't take them words. That's all I've heard. Everytime I turn around. Your always there to help me when I'm down. I'm just now noticing I need you now. You're the best thing that's happened to me. It's about time I just left you be. Let you go on and make all these memories of us gone. I'm sorry for the way I am. I'm sorry for the way I act and stand.

Shandi stayed this weekend. It was cool. We stayed in my room most the time watching movies and things. Well, that's all I got, for now.

Fuck all ya'll!

2006-05-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

I won't be updating all weekend. Shandi is staying and I don't have time for you guys. I have so much I have to do and so little time. haha. Just kidding. But yeah you all suck giant cock.

George is a fag.
Jason is a girl.
Butch is the king. (lol riggghhttt)
Shand is the best.
Hamburger is a loser. (not the good kind either)

I hate my dad (has nothing to do with below but it's true)

2006-05-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

This is where the road crashed into the ocean,
It rises all around me and now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces will choose to ignore
Curse my enemies forever
Let’s slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy
I listen to you cry
I cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I’m pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk
But talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak
So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you

Want to be a Rockstar

2006-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Limousines, champagne Get my clothes custom made I take handfuls of pills trash my house in the hills Smash up my cars Just to give me my thrills
Well I'll break all the girl's hearts Bring’em down to their knees I do what I want Yeah I do as I please
I wanna be a big rockstar I wanna drive a big black car When I’m a big rock star
Want my face, on my wall Want Cameron Diaz just to give me call I’ve been nobodies fool Gonna die while I’m cool I make all their laws And i break all their rules
Porno stars King of sleaze Dirty movies Hey look at me
Velvet rope V I P Hollywood cowboy Mamma look at me
Backstage is my thing So get in the ring We do anything Coz here I’m everything
I wanna be a big rockstar I wanna drive a big black car Who the hell you think you are!

Wish

2006-05-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

I don't want this. I don't need this. I don't feel this. Seems that even though she's with me. I can't shake this. I can't fake this. I won't take this, anymore. You believe. That's the way you chose to be. I've always had to see, the fear that's lived deep inside of me. I can't beat what I can't see. I'm won't be unless you're with me. I'm losing it. Blood fading from these lips. Life slipping from this soul. No time, no chance, of ever getting old. Took my last breath, and wished for death.

I Caught Fire-The Used

2006-05-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin...

(I'm melting, Im melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
Why cuts aren't healing
(why cuts aren't healing)
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
We could take our heads off
stay in bed and just make love that's all
(stay in bed, just make love that's all)
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

Happy Mommy's Day

2006-05-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Mommy's day was awesome. Didn't do much really. Watching Jar-Head right now. It's a kind of lame movie. Well probably because I'm not really paying attention to it. I'm writing this, so, I'm off here.

My Whole Life Is A Fake

2006-05-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today has been so bad. It started off okay. I got up at 11 and called Shandi. Then around 12:30p.m, I got off the phone with her and came to the living room and watched a movie. I want to draw right now, but I can't. I suck at it. Like always. I just feel like burying myself in a hole, for some odd reason. I should just go back to sleep. I don't know what to do today. I can't wait 'til next weekend. I have to call Marley today. To figure out when that Jazz band thing is, so I can go. I'll probably take Shandi with me. =] I can't wait 'til next weekend, wait I said that already. Well I don't know what else to write.

Butch is a fucker.
Larson is a douche.
Hamburger is gay.

Enough said.

Panda Picture from forever ago.

2006-05-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

Retarded panda i drew a while ago. You can kinda see what i wrote beside it.

Eh...mROAR

2006-05-05T01:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it's officially 4:36 in the morning and I still can't fall asleep. This sucks! I have to get up in less then 5 and a half hours, and I can't sleep. Lucky me, right? I don't even know why I can't sleep. It's probably because of the fact I haven't went to my shrinks to get my pills. Oh well, I can't. She said the only time she's availible is in July. Fuckin' shrinks, I swear.

IMPEACH BUSH!

Woooo =]

2006-05-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Currently Chewing Glass

2006-05-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sitting here. Home alone. Being bored. Fun, right? No, not at all. Shandi is eating. I'm waiting for her to get done. She's going to call when she finishes. I get to stay with her this weekend. ^_^ Yay! -parties- -throws confetiee (spelling) in the air- Okay. I'm done. =|

So, I've decided. Satan is way more cool than Jesus. Why do people worship Jesus. He did good for people. Who the fuck wants to do good for people? I mean, everyone lies. Fuckin' Sinners! I'd have to say sinning is more fun than abiding by a stupid book. But then again, that's my opinion.

If your hearts still beating then it must be your blood. If your legs are still standing it must be in your ribs. Its kind of funny how I'm not listening anyways. Fuckin' A. What am I talking about? Hell if I know. I'm just randomlly putting things down. Blah junky junk.

I Think Off To Nowhere Bad.

2006-05-02T09:55:00.000-07:00

In my heart, lays a memory, of the perfect love you gave to me. When you're with me, I'm free and careless. I just want to tell you, how much I love you. If only the day were long enough. I'd tie down the moon. Lay the stars in your hands. Just to show you how beautiful you are to me. I want to take all the water in the ocean, pour it in front of you, and let you watch it sparkle in the moon light. Still, the beauty of that, isn't as beautfiul as you. =]

Fucken A Righty O.

Over -N- Out

I found something out today. ^_^ If I continue with homeschooling, I will be a senior next year. Which means I will graduate when I'm 16. ^_^ Woox, woox. -dancey dances-

Hott Rubber Duckies xD

2006-04-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well seeing as blogger is being stupid, and not letting me upload the rest on here. These are some hott rubber duckies, right?

I'd have to say the hottest ones I have ever seen. I mean can you just not see the hottness?

These are like orgasmic. (something Jennie would say. LoL.)

2006-04-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

This picture is of my cat. Sadly, one morning while walking down the stairs, I tripped. I ended up rolling over my cat. This is the picture taken not long afterwords.

R.I.P. Fluffy.

(not actually true, make believe people)

A little "getting off my chest" to do.

2006-04-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

I'm actually taking time out to write an actual blog today. Surprising, right? I think it's what I need right now. A way to get a lot off my chest. Currenty I'm enrolled in TRECA digital academy. I have been for about 80 days now. I'm also currently, failing that academy. Due to the fact, I haven't gotten my medicince refilled. I take medicine for being A.D.D., Anger issues, and depression. Without them I'm basically depressed, mad all the time, and I can't concentrate worth crap. So, lately I haven't been doing my work in school. Which means I'm failing. I can't stay focused long enough to do it. I can barely stayed focus enough to write, right now. I hate being like this. It makes me feel like I'm numb to everything. Oh well, though. That's basically the reason why I'm depressed. If you meet me in real life I'm not really all that depressed. Usually I'm the cheery person, trying my best to make everyone happy. I only write on here about how I feel on the inside, under the fake smile and laughs.

I've never truely been the "happy kid." As far back as I can remember. Couse, I remember most of my childhood. From beginning to end, basically. Probably the only one out of a few that actually do. I remember everything from about the age of 2 on. Some things are a little vague to me, most aren't.

That's beside the point though. Basically I'm writing this to get out what's been wrong with me lately. The reacurring thoughts of wanting to die. Things of that matter. I'm not exactly sure "Why" I want to die. It's just basically something I've wanted to do since June of last year. When everything in my life went downhill. Yet, It all went better, at the same time. I met Sierra in June. Started dating her on the 6th. I've been dating her ever since. We've been dating most a year now when June 6th comes around. I'd have to say she's what kept me going in June, July, August, and September. Then in October I met my best-friend. Though it seems we've known each other longer, it's only been since October. She always seemed to be there for me. I need to actually thank her everyday, that I'm still alive. So many times I tried killing myself, and she was always there to talk me out of it. A few times slipped. Back in September, I remember clearly taking a bunch of pills, (not going to so of which kind), but I had taken them. Then not too long after, give or take eh, twenty minutes or so, Sydney had called. There I was on the phone with her and her listening to my breath slip away. No one else knew. Just me and just her. I was laying in my room on the floor, practically drooling all over myself, and sufforcating on my own spit. She stayed on the line. She also texted my older sister and told her what I'd done. Which later got me and my parents having a long discussion, which lead to a break down.

Anyways, I was there on my floor gasping for life and she stayed on there until I finally got up the nerve to get help. After that is a little blurry. I'd have to say the first time I started taking pills would of been in the seventh grade. I had taken them for the first time, right before a science test in which I failed, which didn't really matter because the teacher didn't like me anyways. I had almost passed out on the lab desk. I went to the nurse to see if I could go home, but because of the times I had went down there just to get out of school, she refused to let me call my parents. I thought that after that day I'd never take medicince ever again. It was no more then a week later that I started popping pills almost daily. I finally ended up stopping Thanksgiving of 2005. I've only slipped a few times. Like once or twice since then. I'm never going back to taking them everyday like I used to. That's basically why I'm so dumb, now. Believe it or not, I used to be one of the smartest kids in my class. It was my test everyone wanted to copy off of. Now, it's I'm looking for someone to copy off of because I know I'm not going to pass that test if I don't. Somedays I wake up and can't believe I let drugs get to me.
I know I did now. I won't ever do it again. I'm straightening my life out. Soon, I want to be able to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't really see that happening, but, It's always worth a shot.

Well I've said way to much for today, more then I actually should have. I really just need to get this out. I know they say not to publish things like this online, but, I consider most people already know this about me, and I have nothing to hide, so why not let the world read. (not that the whole world reads my blog because no one does really) Well I think I've written enough. Adios Amigos.~

2006-04-28T23:31:00.000-07:00

This is the picture of Jennie that I drew. I know exactly why I stopped drawing now. I truely do suck. This one proves it. I need to practiced more on shading. I haven't gotten that back down, yet. So, I see that's something I need to work on.

Yay!! Rubber duckie!! I heart rubber duckies. =] Hence why, My yahoo SN is rubberx0xduckie. =]]

For two.

2006-04-28T01:43:00.000-07:00

This is what happens after a long night of staying up. You get bored and start drawing people you know of. Scary thing is, I see a way in which they look alike. Really, no, not at all. I suck at drawing. Fucken A. I know why I quit now.

Drawings from the present.

2006-04-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

This is simply explained through visual. Another thing...this was drawn on my desk. LoL.

Second attempt of the emo kid.

I've been trying to get back in to the knack of drawing again. So, I'm not doing too well at it. Here are a few of the most recent ones.

We Smoked Cigarettes and Stared At The Moon

2006-04-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Ever want the days to go past faster. To stop slowling down, and just keep speeding up. Do you ever miss the days left behind, the ones full of memories and good times? Seems I can't remember the good times. Like everything is a little out of focus. I feel sometimes that i can rise above it. Seems it's just a dream though.

This is me dying in your eyes. This image of me, being who i am, is fading before your very eyes. Slipping away before yourself. Everything about me is fading away. From my smile, to the way i smell. It's drifting away and soon I'll be but a memory.

Everything is meant to change. Looks change. People change. Sometimes is changing really for the good? In a way, thinking back at everything I've ever done, changing seems to have been the best part of my life. It happens to be the only real memory I ever have owned. The changing of myself, into a better person. It's happened so recently, so quickly. I never would have caught on to myself changing if it wasn't for the beauty of where i live, and the walks i take over the rocks

Writing this all down, you would think would help me, right? Actually it doesn't. In a way it makes things worse for myself. Thinking about this while writing it brings it all back. Soon it's the only thing that surrounds my mind. I'm done pouring this all out on here. It's been enough said so far. So, I'm ending it here.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Someones going to tell you lies, and cut you down a size.

Remember, good love is hard to find. You got lucky, when i found you.

Losing it all...

2006-04-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm losing everyone. I've lost most of my friends, already. Now, they're all leaving me left and right. I'm tired of ruining peoples lives for once. I took a walk down to the rocks today. Wasn't as good as i thought it would be. My sister joined me. I think that's what didn't make it as good. I mean don't get me wrong i had fun. I just kind of need time to my own right now. Time to figure everything out. Tomorrow I'm going on a very, very long hike. Where i may stop, I'm not sure. I'm not going to any place anyone knows. The place I go when no ones home sounds like a great place for thinking. I just need to think tomorrow. I'm not going to be online as much, or the phone either. It's going to be an alone day. Days i had before all of this drama. I need a break from reality right now. I need a place i can go and hide. Hide enough to get away from everything. Everything has changed in three days. Everything was fine about four days ago. Now, it's all in shambles and broken like mirror on the floor. I can't glue these pieces back together, why? Because they are just simply too small and most of them are far gone by now.

"Keep me caged, in order to not free the beast. Fear is not in these eyes and what there was will never be."

LET ME DIE ON MY OWN TERMS

2006-04-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

It seems after you tell one lie. No one believes you anymore. That everything you say is just going to be another lie out of your mouth. I've promised that after this came out, there would be no more lying. No one trusts me still. Like no one is ever going to believe a word that comes out of my mouth. It makes me sad to think, that the past two years of my life, i've missed. I've gotta get over the fact of the matter. Oh well, just forgive and forget it i guess. If i can do that. SHANDI YOU NEED TO GET BACK FROM TOWN...LIKE..RIGHT NOW lol

I Love the song and video for this!!!

2006-04-17T01:30:00.000-07:00

2006-04-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

Easty Day! Nice name, right? Fuck yeah it is. Totally jealous, right? Well, you shouldn't be. So far, today has been a good day. Probably the best Easter I've ever had. Only because I've gotten to talk to Shandi like all day, so far. Until she leaves. *tear* *tear* *grabs Shandi's arm and drags her over here* No leaving. Lol. I may go fishing today. Maybe! I'm not totally sure about that one, yet. I know i have to go to my grandparents. Should be fun, right? God, i hope so. I'm going to miss Shandi. =[ My eyes are tired right now. Shandi had to get up so hexa early. Damn you. Lol. I don't mind though, cause i get to talk to you. ^_^

Things To Consider...

2006-04-16T02:46:00.000-07:00

Take it seriously.

Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Listen.

ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave her alone.

Urge professional help.

No secrets.

From crisis to recovery.

Warning Signs:
Death or terminal illness of relative or friend.
Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family.
Loss of health (real or imaginary).
Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security.
Alcohol or drug abuse.

Things You Feel If You're Depressed:
Overwhelming Pain
Hopelessness
Powerlessness
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others.
Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
Declining performance in school, work, or other activities.
Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family.
Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed.
Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance.
Alterations in sleeping or eating habits.

Suicidal Behaviors:
Previous suicide attempts.
Statements of suicidal feelings.
Development of suicidal plan, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt.
Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging.
Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.)
Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions.
Inappropriately saying goodbye.
Verbal behavior that is indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes.

Think about the things I've said.

If Your That Someone They call...

2006-04-16T02:42:00.001-07:00

Be yourself. “The right words” are unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.

Listen. Let the person unload despair, ventilate anger. If given an opportunity to do this, he or she will feel better by the end of the call. No matter how negative the call seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign, a cry for help.

Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. The caller has done the right thing by getting in touch with another person.

If the caller is saying “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask The Question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in his head, you are doing a good thing for him. You are showing him that you are concerned, that you take him seriously, that it is OK for him to share his pain with you.

If the answer is yes, you can begin asking a series of further questions: Have you thought about how you would do it (PLAN); Have you got what you need (MEANS); Have you thought about when you would do it (TIME SET). 95% of all suicidal callers will answer no at some point in this series or indicate that the time is set for some date in the future. This will be a relief for both of you.

Simply talking about their problems for a length of time will give suicidal people relief from loneliness and pent up feelings, awareness that another person cares, and a feeling of being understood. They also get tired -- their body chemistry changes. These things take the edge off their agitated state and help them get through a bad night.

Avoid arguments, problem solving, advice giving, quick referrals, belittling and making the caller feel that has to justify his suicidal feelings. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting the person who has it.

If the person is ingesting drugs, get the details (what, how much, alcohol, other medications, last meal, general health) and call Poison Control at Your town. A shift partner can call while you continue to talk to the person, or you can get the caller’s permission and do it yourself on another phone while the caller listens to your side of the conversation. If Poison Control recommends immediate medical assistance, ask if the caller has a nearby relative, friend, or neighbor who can assist with transportation or the ambulance. In a few cases the person will initially refuse needed medical assistance. Remember that the call is still a cry for help and stay with him in a sympathetic and non-judgmental way. Ask for his address and phone number in case he changes his mind. (Call the number to make sure it’s busy.) If your organization does not trace calls, be sure to tell him that.

Do not go it alone. Get help during the call and debrief afterwards.

Your caller may be concerned about someone else who is suicidal. Just listen, reassure him that he is doing the right thing by taking the situation seriously, and sympathize with his stressful situation. With some support, many third parties will work out reasonable courses of action on their own. In the rare case where the third party is really a first party, just listening will enable you to move toward his problems. You can ask, “Have you ever been in a situation where you had thoughts of suicide?”

Hmm...Still Reading...

2006-04-16T02:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I’d like you to call someone.

Some Steps To Consider.

2006-04-16T02:40:00.000-07:00

1
You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

2
Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

3
People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

4
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

5
Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Step Two To Read!

2006-04-16T02:39:00.000-07:00

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resource

Think Suicide...Read This!

2006-04-16T02:37:00.000-07:00

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Tic-Tac-Toe...Enjoy! =]

2006-04-16T02:28:00.000-07:00

Games Provided By Blinkyou.com

I Love You Shandi!

First Entry!

2006-04-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

First entry. What more is there to say. Is it suppose to be the most exciting one that you're ever going to read. I don't think so, but if you believe that, keep on, all the power to you. Well i don't have anything further more to say. Bye. I love you Shandi.