Saturday, April 29

A little "getting off my chest" to do.

I'm actually taking time out to write an actual blog today. Surprising, right? I think it's what I need right now. A way to get a lot off my chest. Currenty I'm enrolled in TRECA digital academy. I have been for about 80 days now. I'm also currently, failing that academy. Due to the fact, I haven't gotten my medicince refilled. I take medicine for being A.D.D., Anger issues, and depression. Without them I'm basically depressed, mad all the time, and I can't concentrate worth crap. So, lately I haven't been doing my work in school. Which means I'm failing. I can't stay focused long enough to do it. I can barely stayed focus enough to write, right now. I hate being like this. It makes me feel like I'm numb to everything. Oh well, though. That's basically the reason why I'm depressed. If you meet me in real life I'm not really all that depressed. Usually I'm the cheery person, trying my best to make everyone happy. I only write on here about how I feel on the inside, under the fake smile and laughs.

I've never truely been the "happy kid." As far back as I can remember. Couse, I remember most of my childhood. From beginning to end, basically. Probably the only one out of a few that actually do. I remember everything from about the age of 2 on. Some things are a little vague to me, most aren't.

That's beside the point though. Basically I'm writing this to get out what's been wrong with me lately. The reacurring thoughts of wanting to die. Things of that matter. I'm not exactly sure "Why" I want to die. It's just basically something I've wanted to do since June of last year. When everything in my life went downhill. Yet, It all went better, at the same time. I met Sierra in June. Started dating her on the 6th. I've been dating her ever since. We've been dating most a year now when June 6th comes around. I'd have to say she's what kept me going in June, July, August, and September. Then in October I met my best-friend. Though it seems we've known each other longer, it's only been since October. She always seemed to be there for me. I need to actually thank her everyday, that I'm still alive. So many times I tried killing myself, and she was always there to talk me out of it. A few times slipped. Back in September, I remember clearly taking a bunch of pills, (not going to so of which kind), but I had taken them. Then not too long after, give or take eh, twenty minutes or so, Sydney had called. There I was on the phone with her and her listening to my breath slip away. No one else knew. Just me and just her. I was laying in my room on the floor, practically drooling all over myself, and sufforcating on my own spit. She stayed on the line. She also texted my older sister and told her what I'd done. Which later got me and my parents having a long discussion, which lead to a break down.

Anyways, I was there on my floor gasping for life and she stayed on there until I finally got up the nerve to get help. After that is a little blurry. I'd have to say the first time I started taking pills would of been in the seventh grade. I had taken them for the first time, right before a science test in which I failed, which didn't really matter because the teacher didn't like me anyways. I had almost passed out on the lab desk. I went to the nurse to see if I could go home, but because of the times I had went down there just to get out of school, she refused to let me call my parents. I thought that after that day I'd never take medicince ever again. It was no more then a week later that I started popping pills almost daily. I finally ended up stopping Thanksgiving of 2005. I've only slipped a few times. Like once or twice since then. I'm never going back to taking them everyday like I used to. That's basically why I'm so dumb, now. Believe it or not, I used to be one of the smartest kids in my class. It was my test everyone wanted to copy off of. Now, it's I'm looking for someone to copy off of because I know I'm not going to pass that test if I don't. Somedays I wake up and can't believe I let drugs get to me.
I know I did now. I won't ever do it again. I'm straightening my life out. Soon, I want to be able to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't really see that happening, but, It's always worth a shot.

Well I've said way to much for today, more then I actually should have. I really just need to get this out. I know they say not to publish things like this online, but, I consider most people already know this about me, and I have nothing to hide, so why not let the world read. (not that the whole world reads my blog because no one does really) Well I think I've written enough. Adios Amigos.~

[9] Smoked a Cigarette:

Blogger lil fishy said...

hey, im sorry, i know i cant help u or anything. but ive had ppl who r close to me go thru depression and get suicidal thoughts. they finally got outta depression (thank god). well they used antidepressants for a couple of yrs. i would suggest seeing a psychiatrist if u havent already.
dont commit suicide, its just a bad idea, and hopefully things will get better. hang in there:)

12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I go to a shrink. =|

I don't understand what she says. She's from India. =|

Barely speaks english.

3:44:00 PM  
Blogger ♥___Kid.™ said...

The above comment was from myself.

3:44:00 PM  
Blogger lil fishy said...

maybe u should change ur shrink :S

5:21:00 AM  
Blogger ♥___Kid.™ said...

I can't, they only offer one for my kind of condition in my town. I live in a small town.

6:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been through all the same shit, tried to kill myself, cut up me arms, bulimic, all the typical girly adolescent issues and now I'm 26, and legitimately crazy, and don't have the luxury of not showing up to work if I feel depressed, and basically I've been having a lot of moments where I'm like "this is it?" I guess what I'm trying to say is I have no idea, but things will get better and then they'll get worse and then they'll get better again. That's life.

1:10:00 PM  
Blogger ♥___Kid.™ said...

So true!!

6:15:00 PM  
Blogger Butchieboy said...

Andy- take your meds.

9:11:00 PM  
Blogger ♥___Kid.™ said...

I can't. I don't have any.

1:50:00 PM  

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