Saturday, April 29

Hott Rubber Duckies xD

Well seeing as blogger is being stupid, and not letting me upload the rest on here. These are some hott rubber duckies, right?

I'd have to say the hottest ones I have ever seen. I mean can you just not see the hottness?

These are like orgasmic. (something Jennie would say. LoL.)

This picture is of my cat. Sadly, one morning while walking down the stairs, I tripped. I ended up rolling over my cat. This is the picture taken not long afterwords.

R.I.P. Fluffy.

(not actually true, make believe people)

A little "getting off my chest" to do.

I'm actually taking time out to write an actual blog today. Surprising, right? I think it's what I need right now. A way to get a lot off my chest. Currenty I'm enrolled in TRECA digital academy. I have been for about 80 days now. I'm also currently, failing that academy. Due to the fact, I haven't gotten my medicince refilled. I take medicine for being A.D.D., Anger issues, and depression. Without them I'm basically depressed, mad all the time, and I can't concentrate worth crap. So, lately I haven't been doing my work in school. Which means I'm failing. I can't stay focused long enough to do it. I can barely stayed focus enough to write, right now. I hate being like this. It makes me feel like I'm numb to everything. Oh well, though. That's basically the reason why I'm depressed. If you meet me in real life I'm not really all that depressed. Usually I'm the cheery person, trying my best to make everyone happy. I only write on here about how I feel on the inside, under the fake smile and laughs.

I've never truely been the "happy kid." As far back as I can remember. Couse, I remember most of my childhood. From beginning to end, basically. Probably the only one out of a few that actually do. I remember everything from about the age of 2 on. Some things are a little vague to me, most aren't.

That's beside the point though. Basically I'm writing this to get out what's been wrong with me lately. The reacurring thoughts of wanting to die. Things of that matter. I'm not exactly sure "Why" I want to die. It's just basically something I've wanted to do since June of last year. When everything in my life went downhill. Yet, It all went better, at the same time. I met Sierra in June. Started dating her on the 6th. I've been dating her ever since. We've been dating most a year now when June 6th comes around. I'd have to say she's what kept me going in June, July, August, and September. Then in October I met my best-friend. Though it seems we've known each other longer, it's only been since October. She always seemed to be there for me. I need to actually thank her everyday, that I'm still alive. So many times I tried killing myself, and she was always there to talk me out of it. A few times slipped. Back in September, I remember clearly taking a bunch of pills, (not going to so of which kind), but I had taken them. Then not too long after, give or take eh, twenty minutes or so, Sydney had called. There I was on the phone with her and her listening to my breath slip away. No one else knew. Just me and just her. I was laying in my room on the floor, practically drooling all over myself, and sufforcating on my own spit. She stayed on the line. She also texted my older sister and told her what I'd done. Which later got me and my parents having a long discussion, which lead to a break down.

Anyways, I was there on my floor gasping for life and she stayed on there until I finally got up the nerve to get help. After that is a little blurry. I'd have to say the first time I started taking pills would of been in the seventh grade. I had taken them for the first time, right before a science test in which I failed, which didn't really matter because the teacher didn't like me anyways. I had almost passed out on the lab desk. I went to the nurse to see if I could go home, but because of the times I had went down there just to get out of school, she refused to let me call my parents. I thought that after that day I'd never take medicince ever again. It was no more then a week later that I started popping pills almost daily. I finally ended up stopping Thanksgiving of 2005. I've only slipped a few times. Like once or twice since then. I'm never going back to taking them everyday like I used to. That's basically why I'm so dumb, now. Believe it or not, I used to be one of the smartest kids in my class. It was my test everyone wanted to copy off of. Now, it's I'm looking for someone to copy off of because I know I'm not going to pass that test if I don't. Somedays I wake up and can't believe I let drugs get to me.
I know I did now. I won't ever do it again. I'm straightening my life out. Soon, I want to be able to quit smoking cigarettes. I don't really see that happening, but, It's always worth a shot.

Well I've said way to much for today, more then I actually should have. I really just need to get this out. I know they say not to publish things like this online, but, I consider most people already know this about me, and I have nothing to hide, so why not let the world read. (not that the whole world reads my blog because no one does really) Well I think I've written enough. Adios Amigos.~

Friday, April 28

This is the picture of Jennie that I drew. I know exactly why I stopped drawing now. I truely do suck. This one proves it. I need to practiced more on shading. I haven't gotten that back down, yet. So, I see that's something I need to work on.

Yay!! Rubber duckie!! I heart rubber duckies. =] Hence why, My yahoo SN is rubberx0xduckie. =]]

For two.

This is what happens after a long night of staying up. You get bored and start drawing people you know of. Scary thing is, I see a way in which they look alike. Really, no, not at all. I suck at drawing. Fucken A. I know why I quit now.

Thursday, April 27

Drawings from the present.

This is simply explained through visual. Another thing...this was drawn on my desk. LoL.

Second attempt of the emo kid.

I've been trying to get back in to the knack of drawing again. So, I'm not doing too well at it. Here are a few of the most recent ones.

Saturday, April 22

We Smoked Cigarettes and Stared At The Moon

Ever want the days to go past faster. To stop slowling down, and just keep speeding up. Do you ever miss the days left behind, the ones full of memories and good times? Seems I can't remember the good times. Like everything is a little out of focus. I feel sometimes that i can rise above it. Seems it's just a dream though.

This is me dying in your eyes. This image of me, being who i am, is fading before your very eyes. Slipping away before yourself. Everything about me is fading away. From my smile, to the way i smell. It's drifting away and soon I'll be but a memory.

Everything is meant to change. Looks change. People change. Sometimes is changing really for the good? In a way, thinking back at everything I've ever done, changing seems to have been the best part of my life. It happens to be the only real memory I ever have owned. The changing of myself, into a better person. It's happened so recently, so quickly. I never would have caught on to myself changing if it wasn't for the beauty of where i live, and the walks i take over the rocks

Writing this all down, you would think would help me, right? Actually it doesn't. In a way it makes things worse for myself. Thinking about this while writing it brings it all back. Soon it's the only thing that surrounds my mind. I'm done pouring this all out on here. It's been enough said so far. So, I'm ending it here.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Someones going to tell you lies, and cut you down a size.

Remember, good love is hard to find. You got lucky, when i found you.

Tuesday, April 18

Losing it all...

I'm losing everyone. I've lost most of my friends, already. Now, they're all leaving me left and right. I'm tired of ruining peoples lives for once. I took a walk down to the rocks today. Wasn't as good as i thought it would be. My sister joined me. I think that's what didn't make it as good. I mean don't get me wrong i had fun. I just kind of need time to my own right now. Time to figure everything out. Tomorrow I'm going on a very, very long hike. Where i may stop, I'm not sure. I'm not going to any place anyone knows. The place I go when no ones home sounds like a great place for thinking. I just need to think tomorrow. I'm not going to be online as much, or the phone either. It's going to be an alone day. Days i had before all of this drama. I need a break from reality right now. I need a place i can go and hide. Hide enough to get away from everything. Everything has changed in three days. Everything was fine about four days ago. Now, it's all in shambles and broken like mirror on the floor. I can't glue these pieces back together, why? Because they are just simply too small and most of them are far gone by now.

"Keep me caged, in order to not free the beast. Fear is not in these eyes and what there was will never be."


Monday, April 17

It seems after you tell one lie. No one believes you anymore. That everything you say is just going to be another lie out of your mouth. I've promised that after this came out, there would be no more lying. No one trusts me still. Like no one is ever going to believe a word that comes out of my mouth. It makes me sad to think, that the past two years of my life, i've missed. I've gotta get over the fact of the matter. Oh well, just forgive and forget it i guess. If i can do that. SHANDI YOU NEED TO GET BACK FROM TOWN...LIKE..RIGHT NOW lol

I Love the song and video for this!!!

Sunday, April 16

Easty Day! Nice name, right? Fuck yeah it is. Totally jealous, right? Well, you shouldn't be. So far, today has been a good day. Probably the best Easter I've ever had. Only because I've gotten to talk to Shandi like all day, so far. Until she leaves. *tear* *tear* *grabs Shandi's arm and drags her over here* No leaving. Lol. I may go fishing today. Maybe! I'm not totally sure about that one, yet. I know i have to go to my grandparents. Should be fun, right? God, i hope so. I'm going to miss Shandi. =[ My eyes are tired right now. Shandi had to get up so hexa early. Damn you. Lol. I don't mind though, cause i get to talk to you. ^_^

Things To Consider...

Take it seriously.

Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.


ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave her alone.

Urge professional help.

No secrets.

From crisis to recovery.

Warning Signs:
Death or terminal illness of relative or friend.
Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family.
Loss of health (real or imaginary).
Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security.
Alcohol or drug abuse.

Things You Feel If You're Depressed:
Overwhelming Pain
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”. Fears of losing control, harming self or others.
Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
Declining performance in school, work, or other activities.
Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family.
Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed.
Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance.
Alterations in sleeping or eating habits.

Suicidal Behaviors:
Previous suicide attempts.
Statements of suicidal feelings.
Development of suicidal plan, “rehearsal” behavior, setting a time for the attempt.
Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging.
Reckless behavior. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people are homicide, accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.)
Making out a will or giving away favorite possessions.
Inappropriately saying goodbye.
Verbal behavior that is indirect: “I'm going away on a real long trip.”, “You won't have to worry about me anymore.”, “I want to go to sleep and never wake up.”, “I'm so depressed, I just can't go on.”, “Voices are telling me to do bad things.”, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes.

Think about the things I've said.

If Your That Someone They call...

Be yourself. “The right words” are unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.

Listen. Let the person unload despair, ventilate anger. If given an opportunity to do this, he or she will feel better by the end of the call. No matter how negative the call seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign, a cry for help.

Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. The caller has done the right thing by getting in touch with another person.

If the caller is saying “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask The Question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in his head, you are doing a good thing for him. You are showing him that you are concerned, that you take him seriously, that it is OK for him to share his pain with you.

If the answer is yes, you can begin asking a series of further questions: Have you thought about how you would do it (PLAN); Have you got what you need (MEANS); Have you thought about when you would do it (TIME SET). 95% of all suicidal callers will answer no at some point in this series or indicate that the time is set for some date in the future. This will be a relief for both of you.

Simply talking about their problems for a length of time will give suicidal people relief from loneliness and pent up feelings, awareness that another person cares, and a feeling of being understood. They also get tired -- their body chemistry changes. These things take the edge off their agitated state and help them get through a bad night.

Avoid arguments, problem solving, advice giving, quick referrals, belittling and making the caller feel that has to justify his suicidal feelings. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting the person who has it.

If the person is ingesting drugs, get the details (what, how much, alcohol, other medications, last meal, general health) and call Poison Control at Your town. A shift partner can call while you continue to talk to the person, or you can get the caller’s permission and do it yourself on another phone while the caller listens to your side of the conversation. If Poison Control recommends immediate medical assistance, ask if the caller has a nearby relative, friend, or neighbor who can assist with transportation or the ambulance. In a few cases the person will initially refuse needed medical assistance. Remember that the call is still a cry for help and stay with him in a sympathetic and non-judgmental way. Ask for his address and phone number in case he changes his mind. (Call the number to make sure it’s busy.) If your organization does not trace calls, be sure to tell him that.

Do not go it alone. Get help during the call and debrief afterwards.

Your caller may be concerned about someone else who is suicidal. Just listen, reassure him that he is doing the right thing by taking the situation seriously, and sympathize with his stressful situation. With some support, many third parties will work out reasonable courses of action on their own. In the rare case where the third party is really a first party, just listening will enable you to move toward his problems. You can ask, “Have you ever been in a situation where you had thoughts of suicide?”

Hmm...Still Reading...

Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

Now: I’d like you to call someone.

Some Steps To Consider.

You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans
Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
Call a psychotherapist
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen
But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Step Two To Read!

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resource

Think Suicide...Read This!

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Tic-Tac-Toe...Enjoy! =]

Games Provided By

I Love You Shandi!

First Entry!

First entry. What more is there to say. Is it suppose to be the most exciting one that you're ever going to read. I don't think so, but if you believe that, keep on, all the power to you. Well i don't have anything further more to say. Bye. I love you Shandi.